What a pitiful existence…

I honestly can't believe how long it's been. I've tried to keep this blog up and going many times, even if just for a personal diary, of sorts. These past couple years have gone by so fast. I've been fluctuating between a somewhat healthy and unhealthy existence. I've been pretty lost, to say the least. I'm super thankful that I've never been suicidal in my life, but I can say I can understand why people feel that way sometimes. I’ve seen a few people succumb to that sadness too. It breaks my heart when that happens, but again, I can feel sometimes what is just a taste of what they must have been feeling on a super exaggerated level. There was this friend from the internet, which is really a thing these days. He recently was able to be finally successful at taking his own life. He was so funny and happy sometimes. It's sad that he felt that his life wasn't needed here on Earth anymore. There are many people living these pretty meaningless lives. I feel like mine is kind of like that now and then. When you look at your life in a macro sense, it sometimes can seem like it is so meaningless. What are you here for? I understand that's why so many people gravitate towards religion. I feel like if there was proof that where was no God, we might all go mad. Should I not say that? Is that sacrilege? I don't think it is. I believe it's a fair observation.
As I've gotten older, I feel more and more away from organized religion and more towards spirituality. I've honestly never felt super comfortable with churches. I feel like I'm living a lie when I enter there…and isn't that sad. My sexuality has torn me from accepting myself wholly, which in turn has kept me from feeling fully accepted by any church. The sad part is that I've even been to churches that have accepted people like me, but even they gave me the same feeling of lonlieness. I guess it's my problem, not theirs, especially when I don't vocalize it, because I feel I can't. I've mostly moved past the fact that I've made myself feel this way, but I guess not evough to put it to rest.
I've had to codeswitch so often in my life that I'm not sure what the true me is. I often feel as thought I have borderline personality disorder due to all the times I was so traumatized by many things in my life. I fall into these lulls and seem to not be able to find my way out because I feel as that I'm not worth it. What am I doing to make myself happy or others? Nothing really at the moment. I've yet to find my calling, and that is something that haunts me when I have time to dwell. Where should I be? Sometimes I think far away from here. Somewhere more accepting? People often say someone of 'my persuasion' needs to move off to a big city. That I need to get away from the small town mentality, then I will thrive. My knee jerk reaction is to stay safe. I think I'll be okay here. I'll eventually just become numb to it, and I'll fall into place like everyone else…but what if that doesn't happen? What does that mean for me? Does it just means a pitiful existence?

What modern technological device takes up most of your time?