Random blurbs from me, Waylan.

What do you need right now?

     What a loaded question. To be brutally honest, I need courage, and strength. I need to want to get up in the morning. I need something worth my time and energy. I know how shitty that sounds, especially to the people who care about me, but it's the truth. I mean, I feel good the days I force myself to get up and do what I'm supposed to, but the other days...I just want to sleep and forget my life, because it isn't really a life, it's just existing.
     People who don't live with anxiety or depression are so lucky. People who don't know the feeling of dread to just face a normal, boring day. The actually needing of someone to include you in their life, not just pretend to care, especially when it's convenient for them. We all have our issues, and I know there are others out there with a life so much worse than mine, but does that not make my feelings valid? Maybe it does, a little, but you can't stop me from typing it out.
     The fact is, I don't know how to be "normal." I've never been that way. My friend gets onto me for saying that even, when I actually open up about it. Judging myself against others, what a fun game, that I always lose. Maybe I'm just supposed to be this way. I mean, one could argue, I'm just as bad as a drug addicted person. I mean, I can admit I have a problem, but when will I actually take the initiative to get help, versus complaining about it in some morose blog.
     I've asked for help before, but maybe I need someone to ask me what I need and give me options, not just let me tell them. Maybe I can't say the words that are in my head. Maybe I need someone to lay it out for me, "circle here, fill in the dot."
     I do think actually having something to call myself would help. Boohoo, I have a problem, look at me, look at my label. Well, yes and no. Having something to call yourself does sometimes help. Name the problem, throw things at it. Addicts name themselves, and granted that may not be the best comparison, but is that not the same thing? A mental issue? Something that isn't quite balanced up there.
     Maybe I'm just rambling on this one, but this is what I do. Overthink, analyze, but never come up with a solution.

What do you do?

Waylan Bolin