Random blurbs from me, Waylan.

When was the last time you got lost?

     Honestly, I haven't really been literally lost in a long time...you know, we have Google Maps nowadays. Figuratively speaking though, Oh Honey...now that is a whole different story. I've been lost for years. I've never truly known what my real calling is in life. I don't know if anyone really ever does, but I think some people have an idea, or at least learn to find something that makes them happy in general, while letting them do important things, and possibly make a change in the world.
     I know that I've always like writing, and I've definitely loved photography in the past, even though I'm not sure I'm even the creative type. I had a small photography business even, at one point, but my anxiety and fear of failure definitely played againt me on that. So I felt lost back then. For sure, more recently, I've dealt with losing my full time job, dealing with sleep apnea, and depression and anxiety. That made me feel lost, even though losing the job was a huge relief of stress in my life. I've definitely fluctuated and felt like I've had highs and lows. I feel like a major failure even more recently. I have slept away a lot of my days. Some days, I wouldn't even go to work. No one really knows this other than myself and my family. I'm really good at faking how I feel, other than those I want to tell, and trust me, I do tell them all about my problems, but I also do nothing about them. It's discouraging when you've been to your doctors for years and battled with trying to feel 'normal.' It's worse when you feel responsible because you suffer all the time, because you're too scared to keep fighting it and trying to make it right. I'm so lucky that I have never had suicidal thoughts. I know there are people out there who feel like I do, but they aren't so lucky as they've thought about ending their life, or have actually done it. I thank the Lord everyday I'm alive, but then I feel guilty too that I waste it away when not being as happy as I 'should be.'
     I've often told my mom when complaining about my issues, and the lost feeling, that it just shouldn't be this difficult to just exist as a human being. Isn't that a sad thing to say? I think so. I try to be a postive person, and I think most people would think that about me. That's the only thing that does keep me going some days. Just trying to make it better for others, because I feel I can't for myself.
     So, the last time I got lost, huh? I'd say everyday, in a way...but I'll find my way, one day. What else is there to do?

Waylan Bolin