so...anxiety is hard to live with.

     So generally I start my post off with a little update on what the heck it is that I've been doing lately. Well, that would be a whole lot of nothing, just school and work. I know that it's kinda sad, the time I waste away when I could be doing something productive or fun. It's kind of hard to do that, when you're basically afraid of the world you exist in. Anyone else feel like that? I mean, I'm not trying to just be a buzz-kill, but it just seems that I never have done anything fun in my whole life. The times I tried to have fun, were just overwhelmed with the fact that I was constantly worried about anything and everything.
     School: I constantly felt like I was going to be sick, like throw up in front of someone. This feeling was mostly from that stress that I thought I was going to be sick, so it's kind of a viscuous circle.
     Band Trips: Oh my. These were fun, when I could stop the constant worry that I would be sick on the bus. My stomach was in knots, constantly. I always was nervous of the same thing on field when we were performing. I know most people get nervous,'s called performance anxiety, and it is sometimes good, the endorphins make you perform better, as a kind of homemade performance enhancement. Not for me. It was excrutiating. Although it was also some of the most fun, or close to it, that I could have had.
Regular life (ha): I guess in what you would call the regular what would include hanging with friends, going to the club, movies, etc. I never did that stuff. There was probably two to three times that I can completely remember doing anything like that. The thought of doing that and leaving my bedroom, or house, for that matter, anywhere out of my comfort zone, and it was not good. I would have panic attacks...even going into a grocery store, or into a restaurant for more than a few minutes could send my spiraling into overheating, with cold sweats, and being nauseous, and feeling like my throat would close up.
     So basically, I live my life, the same as I did back then, but now with help from medications, and a few deep breaths, from time to time, I am trying my best to get out there, as they say. I still am not a social person. I really try to put my toe into the big pond every once in a while, but it is a difficult thing to do.
     So, um, that's about all I'm gonna write for now. If you want to say something, leave a comment!



three brothers...and a cousin!

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